Swamp in '08: A Beginning

I know.  I know. This is a reprint of the January E-mail.  It was posted by request, not because my days in Louisiana have made me senile.

Compadres, Globetrotters and Anarchists,

[YAWN] [STRETCH] It's 2008? [HIT SNOOZE BUTTON] [ROLL OVER]

TRIPPING INTO THE NEW CENTURY:  Heidi and I can now be found orbiting each other in the Facebook universe ("Eating Levi" can also be found on MySpace).  We're having a contest to see who can gather more friends -- loser has to eat turkey tails (see below).  Come join the fray at:  Facebook.com.

Quote of the week:  "Stop licking mom's tongue!" - Daisy Kallenberg, 6.

Runner-up:  "If you ever need a Viking or someone who can use a sword, call me." - Roy, the man who came to fix our fireplace, as he told about his involvement in the Louisiana Renaissance scene.  Not wanting to pass up this opportunity, I'm searching frantically for a reason to pillage my neighborhood.

Winners of the Cajun Gift Basket for New Year's resolutions:
Mark Allen of White Development - "To build the Kallenberg suite in Austin that will be cleared every time you announce a return to the city." (I'm holding you to that.)
Cory Allen, artist extraordinaire - "To explore the true meaning between Zen thinking, socialist government housing and a ham sandwich." (We're expecting updates.)
Sandi Kallenberg - "I promise not call you to come over to show me how to download pictures, use my cell phone or open jars." (Trust me, this one is the best.)

Shoutouts:
- Though I can't yet use their names (some BS about Tom Cruise wanting the glory of the announcement), two (not one , but two) of our elite community are about to start production on their respective projects.  One is based on a script they wrote.  Their project will be shot in an International locale in February.  The other is a feature and will begin shooting in March.  Our mysterious friend wrote and will direct.  As soon as I'm cleared by the Scientology peeps, I'll let everyone know.
- Lovdy Grossman.  Lovdy.  Lovdy.  It's a fun name to say, isn't it?  Lovdy's cool Uncle James has a Fair Trade import site, so stock up on your Ethiopian shawls and Mexican baskets:  www.selecteclectic.com
- Virginia Fleck has joined the rest of us in the 21st Century by launching a "web site"!  Way to go!  Homework for Virginia:  Google the word "wifi" (the concept will blow your mind).  Check it out: www.VirginiaFleck.com
- It's hard when the young leave the ski chalet.  It must have been especially painful for Debbie and David when Crawford Arnow learned how to ski.  Way to go Crawford!  Learn to ski not to kill innocent animals like your father.
- Chris Riemenschneider!  You had a cute baby.  No.  I'm serious.  Check little Lila out (note:  this a bit of a paid endorsement because he's taking me to the Foo Fighters show, but once you factor out Chris' genes, she's still cute):

My moment of guilt: 
You're a teenager, and you've just paid the toothless codger to go in and buy you beer.  While you wait, one of your parent's friends drive up and engage in conversation.  You try to act cool, but you know, at any minute, the old crazy man is going to bust out, give you your Mickey's and demand his $5.  That is how I felt as I was talking to Teo Caffe owner and coffee snob extraordinaire, Matt Lee.  Here I was, listening to Matt's lecture about the chocolately goodness of  aged Sumatran beans and the wonders of Indie coffee, while I was ordering a Starbuck's latte (by the way, Matt has an unhealthy disdain for Starbuck's).  
Matt:  Gregory, what's that music in the background?
Gregory (muffling mouthpiece and taking a discrete sip of said latte):  Nothing, it must be a Cajun calling to his Catahoula.
Matt:  That's the Paul McCartney album that only plays in...in...STARBUCKS!
Gregory:  Are you sure you're not hearing a slot machine from one of the casinos?  Maybe the ordering of something blackened?
Matt:  Bastard.
(Matt hangs up)

Quick and Dirty "Levi" News:  Hurry!  If you haven't gotten your "Eating Levi" licensing rights, act now!  We're about to sign over viewing rights for Europe and the Middle East (the Saudis love to watch us make asses out of ourselves).  Also, we have been contacted to appear in festivals in Spain and Ireland. Word on SXSW should be coming soon.  Fingers are crossed, but we'll see.  Regardless, we will do an Austin screening.  We were also contacted about a NYC screening.  I'll keep everyone posted.

Tobias's Moment of Triumph:
As most of you must know, I'm not a joiner.  As some of you might know, Tobias, my son, is a hyper-joiner.  One can imagine the mental wresting that I contended with when Tobias decided to be a Cub Scout.  This blessing and curse of having a son who wants to be part of a poorly dressed group (funny hats, yellow scarves and all) was in glorious parade-like display when Tobias was given the task of racing a car in the Pinewood derby -- a Boy Scout tradition where children pin their hopes and self-worth on racing a 5 ounce piece of wood and four wheels.  Tobias really wanted to race, so me, Tobias and Chris Joffrion -- a childhood friend, owner of tools and a certified Cajun (he is listed as knowing how to cook raccoon and squirrel) -- set a goal to build a super-car.  Tobias went with a classic roadster design and, with the help of Chris, the Internet and licensed lead weights, we kicked the asses of the entire Pack (over 40 googly-eyed kids with victory on the mind)... WAIT... I'm a Scout dad.  That's not the Scout way of putting things...  Me, Tobias, Chris and the entire Pack 16 worked together to raise my son high atop the pile of mediocrity and, thusly, allowing him to squash the dreams of his lesser colleagues and drink (to his fellows) from Chalice of Glory.

Why I Want a Whole Foods in Shreveport:

Open plea to my friends at Whole Foods:  Help!  I need a grocery store that doesn't sell turkey tails (pictured below) without a modicum of irony.  Granted, these are organic turkey tails, but that is beside the point.

COMING NEXT ISSUE:  UBER EDITOR, 21st CENTURY RENAISSANCE MAN, SAM SELIS-INSPIRED MUSIC CONTEST!